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[ website | Project Mayhem ]
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(2 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

5 years later [20 Feb 2012|11:13pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

yeah so nearly 5 years later here i am.

I'm living in New York since December 2008.
I'm dating a girl named Emily. She's beautiful. She's moving to France in August to be a Buddhist Monk. This requires living at their monastery for 5 years. She's in.

Meanwhile, I've got my eyes on the coast. The West Coast.
-the west is the best-
I've always known it'd take me there. Life.
July 1st is my move in date. My goal.

Playing music? Ofcourse. Clouty is the band. It was Etta Place for the first two years. It also used to have 2 girls. I play drums? yes. It's a good time, but being a front man still beckons me to call in the troops for some rock tunes now and again.

Teaching Ukulele and guitar. This was easily one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time. I am very grateful of my two students. They have taught me how much I love teaching others. I always knew this, just so happy to finally realize it.

Scott is my best friend. Moving away from him will be toughest. Playing music in NYC with him has been such a blessing. Timmy brought me here, Scottie kept me here.

Eric too is a character not easily forgotten. In fact, impossible to forget. I hope the three of us stay in touch for decades.

Tim Clark is still the man. Doing very well for himself, saving money living at Mckibbin with us for the second time. A joy to be around when he is around. I still wanna start a company with this man. There's no better guy to run a business with, I'm convinced. He will be my best man. Scott and Eric will be there-

Mom's living in Texas with Michael. Dad's in Newington, CT with Mikey. Pat just moved to Denver (I'm visiting him there next week). Casey's kicking Providence in the ass.

Matt and Tim are both somehow back on North Street. Saving money. Planning there next big life moves.

I still work for United. 4 and a half years. November will be 5. Wow. Will I make it to 10? Doubtful. Will I travel to Australia and Europe before I leave? Fuck yes. Africa? Maybe. Asia? It's a good idea. South America? Ok, fine, yes. I should go there too. Machu Piccu is either my number one or two desired destination in the world.

San Francisco here I come. Visiting the crew (Pat, Dave, and Dana) next week.

Can't Wait.

Loving Life.

Battling Poverty.

It's a fight worth fighting.


(1 Courtney Love | who shot kurt cobain?)

Georgia [27 Mar 2007|05:56pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I am driving up 85
in the kind of morning
that lasts all afternoon
im just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment
but I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am i living it right
am i living it right
am i living it right
why why georgia, why

I rent a room and i fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all i feel's alone

It might be a quarter life crisis
just a stirrin in my soul

either way
i wonder sometime about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

am i living it right
am i living it right
am i living it right
why why georgia why

so what so i've got a smile on
but its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
dont believe me
dont you dare believe me
when i say ive got it down

everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in
going my own way
i guess it's a price i have to pay
still "everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask yourself

If you are living it right
are you living it right
are you living it right
why tell me why---
why why georgia why

i look forward to seeing you there

(1 Courtney Love | who shot kurt cobain?)

laughter, tmi, and a realization [23 Dec 2006|06:15am]
[ mood | pensive ]

i realized something today. scratch that. i decided something today. I am going to change a lot of things in my life - the way i'm living it. I haven't been myself lately. not at all. i've been completely depressed, avoiding stressors, and hiding my personality at both workplaces. NOT COOL. luckily i remembered that it's never too late to make a change. This year, more than ever, I have really good reason to come up with some good new years resolutions. i have so much to improve upon - so much to change to help experience more happiness, truth, honesty, and meaningful connections in my life. it's what we all really crave. i'm going to help promote the band now too. the cd is fucking sick...why am i not promoting it>???

just as i'd been giving up on myself, i'd been giving up on the band as well.
well its time for the change, so i'm going to make it. I've had SO MUCH pent up rage and sadness in my heart lately. it's been pretty awful. i wake up feeling more depressed and sad and low than the day before. terrible mental habits. it affects the way i am at work - and even the way i act around matt and tim. it has slowly started to change who i presumably am. what the fuck. i've been wanting to release it all really bad. sometimes i'll let out a quick but powerful yell...or i'll slam something fairly hard. pain. but more than any of this i've craved to be able to cry. if i could cry it all out maybe i'd feel better.
well i jacked off about 40 minutes ago and then i started laughing. i realized how badly i needed to get laid. such a stupid concept i know. but i realized how awful i've been projecting myself at work and even elsewhere. i'm not the happy, unique, open person i once was. i choose to not talk more than i try to start interesting conversations. what the fuck am i afraid of? we only live once. so i started laughing because i realized how easily i can change all this. all i have to do is consciously make an effort to be myself again. love life. love those around me. forget the confusion. embrace the present. so i started laughing..and continued to laugh until my laughter led to tears. i guess i got my wish. and tears of joy are a pretty good substitute for tears of anguish.

fuck you depression. it's my turn. this everyday emotional rollercoaster needs to go on hiatus. hopefully more towards the permanent end vs. the temporary. but yeah, a change would be nice. it's in my own hands now. laughing felt really good. i think i woke up matt..but it was worth it.

sorry for the overload in information. it just came out.
i've been using worldsex.com for over 7 years now AMAzing.
i think it was either brandon Chuba or Karim El-Sayed who passed on the link in the gym locker room one day of freshmen year. who knew it'd have such a lasting effect.


(who shot kurt cobain?)

there's a new mayhem site and CD coming soon i hear [16 Aug 2006|09:54am]
rats in the attic

Jesse Lumb's Facebook profile

i'm still lost how bout you?
we're moving to boston in 2 weeks. you should definetly stop by

(5 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

turning twenty [05 Mar 2006|09:13pm]
[ mood | calm ]

tomorrow at 11:02 A.M.
I will no longer be a teenager.
20 blows my mind and is scary and crazy for some reason. but it's a good thing. I'd really like to just appreciate the fact that my entire family is still blessed enough to all be living and in good health. Because what more can you be thankful for but life itself. I was talking to Tim tonight and once again, the concept of just how much we take for granted came up. It's sad, but seemingly impossible to avoid. Only thing to do is try to appreciate and embrace as much as you can, whilst you have the chance.

Our weekend in Lake Placid NY was a wonderfully positive experience..such great sights, beautiful people, nice hotel, and an overall positive atmosphere. After our show we attended a free lunch that featured a really inspiring guest lecturer who's speech was called Be The Change. very good stuff, got us to meet new people too. Specifically, Meghan, Marian, and Tracy were all great to us, as well as everyone else who stayed to the end of our set, participated while we played, helped out before and after, and hung out out on the lake and back in the rooms. such a good thing.
Future gigs have been made. The press kit is amazing (as well as the 5 song sampler inside)
Matt you've done it again.
Oh - and this cannot go without mention. BRENDAN! you were soooo helpful and great to have along with! you're dedication and great company was VERY much appreciated. thanks so much man. wouldn't have been the same without you there :)

See you all soon.

(12 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

part 2 of 2: Love and Life [27 Feb 2006|03:40am]
[ mood | grateful ]

so this is part 2 of the 4 pages that poured out of me that one random night sometime last week. i enjoy reading it so maybe a few of you can too :) the names yolanda and sally are made-up names to protect the innocent. it is entitled:

Love and Life; Que-sera Sarah

Life can and will lead you in all sorts of directions. Directions you never thought you would go in. I never thought I’d be here writing about this shit but I am. So what else can you do but embrace it. I have work tomorrow OH WELL. I still type. It is a good release. I missed a lot of things in the abovementioned paragraphs. I said that I am doing nothing with all of my potential except for my band. This is not true. I do work..and my work is like being a good Samaritan…helping others with disabilities do their jobs. I have been blessed with the ability to hone and put to good use great social skills. I thank both mom and dad for this. So my interactions with others is a good use of my “potential” as a good, contributive human being.
Anywho - as far as being honest with myself and others…I also wanted to touch upon how I have such a hard time saying no to people..this is dishonesty no matter how much I want to call it “being nice”. I am painfully nice than…so I need to start saying no more often and not feeling bad about it when I do. I am a people pleaser…but I do know that it is important to first be able to please yourself before you try to please everyone else. I am a peacemaker. I want everyone to be happy. This includes me. So that is what I should work on. My own happiness. I constantly tell people I will do something or I will be somewhere at a certain time and then I end up being really late or not there at all. This is certainly dishonesty. Sucks too cause it’s such a huge habit of mine…I think it’s going to take years to break. And I’m not trying to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy by giving myself years to try to break it. I am actually trying to be realistic for a change. I can be realistic and am. I admire it in sarah. I do miss her which is sad.. Only as of late too. I think it’s just been too long since I’ve had someone else adore me like she did. It was such a sincere adoration as it had to build from a tainted nothing - a complete lack of trust in all men. And then there was our love. I threw it all away of course in an effort to “experience more things..more people” fuck. Never really thought I would regret that decision. I guess I still don’t. I am just currently in a state of loneliness. Random hook-ups don’t do SHIT for me. Yolanda was fun but the fact that it meant nothing went against my natural ways. I subconsciously tried to develop feelings for her to justify it all. Ya I know - it’s fucked up. But I guess it’s kind of cool that I can understand it all. Sally - jesus - that was just a waste of time I guess. Thought she was gonna be a cool person to spend time with but she’s got her own issues that were totally clashing with my lifestyle. And I never truly loved her and was having a hard time developing love. I’m glad we broke up so I could start a new with someone else. And yes it’s been so long that even if that person is Sarah again I am totally open to such an idea. HELL  I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY! Look at how fucking amazing she is as a person! She blew my mind this winter break when she forgave me in an act to salvage our friendship. The amount of appreciation I have for this is immeasurable. She’s a beautiful person with more drive than a hummer. She’s extremely intelligent and completely interesting! Quirky and fun. Crazy and cool. Quiet and shy, but thoughtful and caring. Our relationship was a thing of beauty and a time of innocence. I want that innocence back. Love is blind, sure, but atleast it’s love. I would give anything to have her lie by my side again. Sure it would take a lot to build it all back up but hell, I’ve got time. And compassion. A whole lot of it. I know and respect her and she knows and respects me. I think it just may make sense. I’m not selling myself on it, perhaps just fantasizing…but all I know is she is great and her role in my life - no matter how big or small - will always be important and very meaningful to me. She was such a solid part of my life. A rock so solid, a love so stable, and comforting. I haven’t had such a stable thing in my life before or since (besides family). I want it back. I truly do need it. I want someone to love me again, as much as I love myself. Thing is - I think she may have even loved me more than that. If it’s possible…she just may have done it. It was great. I loved her too. I just took her realism into my own hands (mixed with a healthy dose of curious hormones) off to explore other females. What ultimately did I find?? Nothing that compared to her. A random assortment of quasi-satisfactory hook-ups most with very little meaning. Lindsey was cool. I guess the closest thing to exciting new love-like feelings. But she is a very simple person. I love how complicated Sarah can be. Aww. How special. Yeah. Man oh man. I wonder where all these feelings will take me now  :)  who knows. As my mother once sang to me late at night all through my childhood: Que-sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que-sera sera. Words to live by I imagine.

(8 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

Just a Little Bit Lost: my not so feeble attempt at being honest [21 Feb 2006|05:27am]
[ mood | drained ]

so i wrote this in order to get some stuff off my mind. twas written in Word with no original intent of putting it here. but now i shall. for keepsake. enjoy my lengthy words of what i believe to be truth.

Just a little bit lost: my not so feeble attempt at being honest


You want some honesty?

Here’s some fucking honesty

UnFUCKINGcensored too


I feel as though I have been blessed with good looks, a great mind, and a wonderful family…and yet happiness eludes me. WHAT THE FUCK. It’s all in how you perceive things. And over the last year or so my perception on life has gotten extremely skewed. How or in what direction I don’t know. Well I suppose I do know how but it’ll take a while to get it all down. So good looks and a smart mind…great combo for this world right?? Yes…but I don’t do SHIT with my life. Some may beg to differ but I feel useless as of late. I have grown to HATE school…I get into these vicious cycles of skipping ONE class leading to more and more skips with snowballing feelings of guilt and depression. I feel bad that I skipped for my teachers sake - my moms sake - and my own sake. I fall behind in work (which when I do do work it's great because I mastered the art of kicking ass in school long ago) and it makes me want to never go back. I lack motivation to do work, go to class, get better at music, apply to new colleges. I am so stale and numb to all of this shit. It makes me sick. My mom is a wonderful person but I can’t think of the future right now when I can hardly deal with the present. What the fuck. How did this happen. I did two musicals and it has somehow led to my demise. A regular play before that too which I suppose you could add to a list of reasons of why I failed that first education course back in spring of freshman year. God-dammit. I was never supposed to fail a class. Its not in my nature. I can succeed in any course. that’s the thing. I have all this damn potential and yet I get too overwhelmed with bullshit fine details…small stuff…that I end up doing the exact opposite of putting it to good use. I do nothing with it. Nothing is a bit extreme. I do have a great band that writes really good music and performs really good live shows…but that shit comes naturally…and thank god I can honestly say it is a passion of mine. Because if that wasn’t my passion…then what the fuck is??? Being a teacher?? Lord knows I’d be good at it. But I gotta do all this shit in college beforehand to get there. And I’m just not mentally ready for this shit. I’m too immature I guess. Not ready enough to take on the responsibility. I think betty allison was right - there should be a waiting period of 2-4 years before college starts. No one knows what they wanna be or do right out of high school!! Fuck that misconception. Jesus. Stupid american society. What else can I blame. I sure as hell don’t want to blame myself. It’s easily done I suppose but it gets you nowhere fast - so I don’t waste my time on blame. I just want the future to be better. What lies in my future? Boston. Random to say the least. Atleast it would seem random to me a year ago or more. Tim is going to Boston to go to Berklee for piano skills. Good for him. He’s living the dream because he has the dedication and mental stability. Matt wants to move out there with him - to keep the band going and to get his 22 year old ass out of his house finally. So I’m moving out there too. To keep the band alive. AND most importantly for me…I’m taking the semester off from college. That’s right mom. I SAID IT! No fucking SCHOOL for me. Oh no. not for 7 or 8 months. I need that so damn desperately. School drives me wild. It is such a huge contradiction in my life and battle and low point. I know I can do well, I’d like to…but I constantly feel like classes are a waste of my time and that I learn little, get little out of them, as most have VERY little relevance to my life…or anyones for that matter HONESTLY. Maybe I have taken too many intro courses. Maybe wsc isn’t challenging enough for me…but I’ve always hated that phrase…do I honestly want to be more challenged? NO. let’s face it - I’m lazy to begin with. Ok. So I feel a little bit better now. Honesty helps. Writing it all out helps. I havent done much reading or writing as of late and honesty….god that’s been a lost cause for a while. I have recently come to the realization that I SERIOUSLY have a problem with being honest with myself and others. Its SAD! Because I value it so much. I hold it so high. And yet I myself struggle to achieve it. I think I use the great defense mechanism of denial entirely too much. I am in denial of being in denial. Try to grasp that if you will! Fuck me. This is what I’m talking about - this is what I’m dealing with. Everyday. I leave my wonderful house to escape the realities of school work and unfilled-out college applications. Its sickening. I just want to be happy again. Is that so much to ask for.

Is it? Ok so this has rambled…which is good. it’s a stream of conciousness which is very healthy. But now to fill in some blanks. Not being honest with myself and others: I lied to myself last semester telling myself it really wasn’t a big deal..your classes suck anyway…you’ll get through it. WELL I FUCKING DIDN’T. and now I have hell to pay. Or do I? I believe I can pick up the pieces and move on wonderfully from here. but that’s probably just my eternal optimism speaking. I think I somehow managed to inherit every ounce of optimism from both my mom and my dad and very little of their realism. I live in my own made-up world where nothing really matters. Well the thing is it does. It all matters entirely too much and it scares me so I PRETEND like it doesn’t. My brain has MASTERED THE SKILL of telling itself - hey man - it’s not a big deal…look on the bright side of all of this. Well the only fucking bright side I’ve been able to cling on to as of late is the fact that I am still alive. And surrounded by a beautiful family that loves me. And I’ve got matt - he’ll always be a great person in my life. And having his talented bro is great too. All 3 of us are good people at heart. Anywho. Thank god I value life. Other wise me and so many others would have ended it long ago. I never truly consider suicide. What a shitty thing. It’s just too negative. And I’m a positive person. It just wouldn’t make sense. And fuck more contradictions. So there. At the very base of it all I refuse to consider suicide because of how negative it is. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is and how permanent. I will always stand by that quote my dad taught me - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Seriously. Well all of my problems are temporary so fuck suicide. Unless of course I do suffer from depression…a type of depression that will always stick with me. But I’d like to think that I don’t. but if I do - than maybe that is a more permanent problem.. But once again I say fuck that. I can fight that shit with the positivity and optimism that flows through me with every new breath. That’s right. Did I mention I’m a good writer? I write great essays but hate finding the time and motivation to write them. I think I could make a great lyricist someday too. Once again - it’s just a matter of putting the time in. I want to be a master on guitar too. I know I can be. Coming from mom and dad…my musical background is great. I have a great ear for melodies and eventually harmonies and I know I can write and play beautiful things…but I need to get to that point. More time and effort is needed here. During my huge hiatus from school this will be one of my main objectives. I will work and make money and make new friends. Money sucks but it is a necessary evil. I try not to waste my time being depressed over green funds. No matter how much you have it is never enough so fuck money. Friends would be nice though. All I really have is matt, tim, casey, mom and dad. And mom and dad are parents which is a different type of friendship entirely - and it has been strained because of my failure to be steady in school as of late. I hate that. I don’t want that one semester to fuck my whole life. So I say fuck that..I wont let it. Over the course of the next year there will be big changes in my life as I move on to bigger and better things and stabilize my mental state to take on the world. I can be a great person I know it. I really am, even now. I’m just a little bit lost.

But hey, isn’t that just a little bit natural?

Yeah that’s what I fucking thought.

ok so that part is out of my system.  i wrote a second part entitled Life and Love: Casera Sarah.  it's cool but lengthy as well so it will wait til next time.  thanks for reading!  feel free to comment on any and everything.

(3 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

mayhem [27 Dec 2005|04:31am]
[ mood | sexy ]

oh man - life can be soo good sometimes :)

2 word phrase of the week/month/year: Slut Muppet
can be used in reference to anything or anyone at anytime for anyreason.

i.e. : JEBUS! that person is seriously being such a fucking slut muppet about all of this!

gooooodnight. there will be more to come when i have the time and patience to write. p.s. has anyone seen SaraMac?? word on the street is she's in town. hope to see her ever so soon. you too eej :)

oh and SV - ive been to panera several times now expecting to see ur hardworking ass, but no such luck. someday it will surely happen tho. i still need to see that commercial of yours!
ok peace out mut sluppets

we have a gig this friday within driving distance - all should come!
east hampton - flywheel

(4 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

i won't let you down [17 Dec 2005|04:35am]
[ mood | complacent ]

i cant sleep.
and my insomnia has led me here.
who wants to start a revolution with me?

christmas is almost here. i love how it's meaning changes with each passing year.

We're playing a show tonight in East Hampton and I strongly suggest that, if you are free, try to attend. I have a feeling we're going to go absolutely NUCKING FUTS! if you have tentative plans that you're not REALLY looking forward to...break the plans and tell your friends about the show. It's at the Flywheel in East Hampton Mass..really not that far from northern CT at all. The reason why i think we're gonna go nuts is because lately we've had a lot of pent up frustrations with anything and everything in life...and being on stage is one EXTREMELY pure outlet for our emotions. It came out at the Space in Hamden Thursday night. Whilst Matt screamed his lungs out during the final moments of YOU DONT LOVE ME NO MORE i ran around the stage and dove on the floor...ripping my guitar jack right out it's fucking socket. twas a moment to enjoy to say the least. a moment of angst and glory. we made friends that night with people who had never heard of such a thing as project mayhem. "venture north" we say as if the grass is any greener up here. but, regaurdless, tonights show will kick ass. as i predict some crazy antics..undoubtebly during our last song if not the whole set. "because i'm just a regular guy, with nothin to lose" -Lester Bernam (played by Kevin Spacey) in American Beauty.

my dad has managed to fix my guit just in time so the blue machine will be back in action tonight. if you cant make it to this show, be sure to make it to another sometime sooooon. there will be plenty over xmas break. and here's the plug: www.projectmayhemrocks.com or www.myspace.com/projectmayhem
i can't wait to play a show with Fugitive Dust and Indigae again. they are my favorite bands of all time...next to Zox, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, and the Doors to name a few.

here are a few songs i'd like to cover in the near future:
Radiohead's Creep
and Live's Lightning Crashes.

ok time to return to laying down without being able to shut off my brain.

merry christ mas to all and to all a
good night

(1 Courtney Love | who shot kurt cobain?)

wow [14 Dec 2005|07:09am]
Matt Lillis is my hero.
me and him connect in so many ways, i'm so glad to live so close to a cousin so wise, compassionate, creative, inspiring. he is the man. and we've got a new plan for next year!
i am MUY excited.

king kong was great tonight.
thanks for the ride


(2 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

this entry is no longer private [05 Dec 2005|02:41am]
ok so i need to be more honest with myself, and therefore others.
i over promise and under deliver as my mother so beautifully put it.
as far as chics go...I just need to find a girl that inspires me to love again.
a girl worth losing.

i once dated this girl named Jess. that fucking backfired.

the end.

(6 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

Life as we know it [05 Dec 2005|02:03am]
I saw a girl by the name of Micah Polly play a show the other night...and it inspired me to write some lyrics. the result was a completely random RANT. you know the sort. despite it's lack of use for lyrics, it felt really good to write it all on paper. so hear it is, in it's entirety...uncensored.

How can you look at yourself in the mirror and not see that everything's a lie.
How can you watch a mother hit her son in public and turn the other way.
How can you let a stupid thing like race control what you say, how you act, how you're supposed to feel.
How can you look at me and not lend me a hand?
I wear my heart out on my sleeve just so you can tear it up again.
I loved you, you loved me. I held you, you held me. What happened to the trust in strangers - that we can change for the better? It's never too late to turn a brand new leaf and brighten up your day.
I cried for you, I would DIE for you - and you say I don't care.
Well if Apathy always hurt this bad then compassion is the DEVIL.

I have a chronic fear of caring knowing the damage that can be done.
My optimism is daring seeing what we've all been through.

I break hearts for a living.
I say yes with a smile although I dream of being somewhere else with someone else.
My faith is getting stronger as my image is no longer crystal clear.
How can you love others when you don't even love yourself?

My tarnished road is paved with good intent.
I help others and forget to think of myself. Or I think of me entirely way too much.

Why sleep with a girl that means nothing to you?
How can you get attached when you feel detached from the world?
I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm trapped at a beautiful school full of ugly people.
No one has anything to new to offer. What ever happened to a refreshing new face.
I'm in a crowd of aeropostale.

I feel like I have met them all and no one stands out, no one can benefit my life, affect my life in a substantial way. I need something different.
I'm sick of the norm - I need a beautiful girl who wants NOT to be the same.
Let's think about marriage on our wedding day and about having kids when you're on the hospital bed.
This God Damn Transitional Phase Needs to End Abruptly.
Eventually is what's Killing Me.

Stuck in a rut is an understatement.
I'm trapped in a well, drowing in disapointment.
I try to please others when I can't even please myself.


I know there are people out there who can appreciate me for who I am.
...An unhappy young man who loves to be happy. Loves to make YOU smile.
But who are you?

ok. so there it was. pretty odd i must say. but i think it hits upon alot of the things i've been feeling as of late. depressed, yes. all i do is sleep. i want a girl so badly, yet i know i can't handle a relationship. not yet, not now. so what the fuck am i to do. i just want to surround myself with the people i love. college is only good for so long. it's full of people who don't REALLLy know who you are. I love my sister, my mom, my dad, my cousins matt and tim and that's about it. I once loved a girl named Sarah. she will always hold a place in my heart...my first true love. I want desperately for her to be back in my life on some level - she knows me better than most. and that's what i need in this trying time of self-discovery. someone who knows me better than i know myself. I always used to think i was so fucking certain of who i was. and now - i'm not so sure anymore. life is fucked when your 19 and know no idea of where to go with your life and with whom. i want to move in with matt. but he might be going to boston soon. i want my sister to someday soon sing in our band. if we don't persue the chance now, it will surely be a missed opportunity in the future. I want to meet and get to experience more females dammit. i'm only 19 and this good looking for so long. fucksake. it's a waste. human contact is so great. there's nothing better than getting to know someone on such intimate levels emotionally, physically, what have you. i need to experience more human beings. i want to get better at guitar.

ok i'm done.
thank the lord

(2 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

[31 Mar 2005|04:55am]
Well I left home just a week before
And I’d never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy I’m gonna make you a man

Well I’m not the world’s most masculine man
But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man
And so is lola

(who shot kurt cobain?)

the godfather of grunge [31 Mar 2005|04:36am]
"Old Man"

Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.

Old man look at my life,
Twenty four
and there's so much more
Live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two.

Love lost, such a cost,
Give me things
that don't get lost.
Like a coin that won't get tossed
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Lullabies, look in your eyes,
Run around the same old town.
Doesn't mean that much to me
To mean that much to you.

I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past.
But I'm all alone at last.
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.

The way Neil sings this song it sounds so honest it's creepy. It's like he's looking his dad straight in the eyes and bearing his soul. i seriously get emotional every time I hear it. gives me chills, in a really, really cool way. thanks man. I someday hope to sing this song at a show, with my dad in the audience - as kind of a tribute to him. He's the greatest guy I know, who, like all of us, is NOT without his flaws. But its how he overcomes his demons and continues to be one of the most compassionate, honest, and musical man I know. "Doesn't mean that much to me / to mean that much to you" SUCH a good line. who hasn't thought that before? doesnt pertain to me and my dad but it's a stroke of genius for sure.

(9 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

to update or not to update - that is the question [31 Mar 2005|04:05am]
[ mood | curious ]

Heeey Everyone!

need your help real quick.  it has been quite a long time since i've updated this fucker and I'm wondering if I should start it up again.  so here's where you come in.  I'm wondering just how many people see my updates when they occur - so for those of who still have me as their LJ friend - let me know by leaving some sort of comment in response.  if I get more than 7 comments i will smile and perhaps update more often.  If i get less than three I will probably continue my lame amount of updates.  if i get between 3 and 7, I seriously have no idea what will happen.  Thanks!!



here's a quiz from Liz - thanks liz!  oo - question..have you ever heard bk's song "lizzy"?  its rather splendid

01). Total volume of music files on my computer? Somewhere in the 200s.  Westfield State does not allow illegal file sharing.  Fahk! why didnt I know that before coming here??  it's ok - i never woulda met Joshy. 

02). The last CD I bought was...probably something by Pearl Jam.  Actually I think it was the Zox CD for my sis.

03a). The last song I listened to before writing this was...the Garden State Soundtrack 03b). Song playing right now: nada

04). Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me. sweeet

1) Alive by Pearl Jam.  Man oh man do I love this song.  It's such a driving and perfectly written song.  The guitar solo that finishes it off for the last two minutes will forever remain as two of my favorite minutes in musical history.  I'd like to thank Kenny Simmons, Matty and tim, for letting me sing this song and play along while Kdog did his thing.  Mike McCready in the making.

2) The Squid by Zox.  Beautifully arranged song.  Spencer - your violin playing skills are oh so sweet.  And the riff at the end is killer.  Rock on guys.

3) What is and What Shall Never Be by Led Zeppelin.  Such a good tune.  The dynamics are amazing, going from perrrty and laid back and then exploding into classic rock greatness.  yay Zep 

4) "Wasted and Ready" by Ben Kweller... cuz I may not be wasted, but I'm totally "ready".  Good Call Liz. 

5) Old Man by Neil Young.  Very powerful song.  extremely simple but amazing message.  I love the way this guy and many others such as Dylan, Chaplin and more can tell stories so dammmn well through music.  And yes Dad - I'm alot like you were.

i think i just may post the lyrics of this song in my next update cuz i like em that much.

if i were able to add a 6th song it would have to be "Feel like Makin Love" by Bad Company.  such a classic song.  i loove the verses and the chorus just cannot be beat.  Song 7 might be Lola by the kinks.  good shite - another great story told through song.

05). Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, & why? I am only passing this on to... Matt, Tim, Casey, Sarah, and anyone else who wants it - April, Eej, SaraMac, annyone - feel free to jump on.

meanwhile i am PeacE InG Out.

yes thats right, peacing out.

i've been using it lately - lets see if it catches on.

merry christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.


(who shot kurt cobain?)

daria and more [13 Dec 2004|06:06am]
[ mood | tired ]

Which Daria charactar are you?


...What? I'm surprised you got this far, you're not always in tune to reality and you rarely know what time of day it even is.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

quiz time..pissing you all off.

[x]smoked a cigarette
[ ]gone on an airplane by yourself.
[ ]broken a bone
[ ]had sex in a car
[x]white lied to a friend
[x]went swimming in your bathtub
[x]had a crush on a teacher
[x]made out in a movie
[ ]taken caffeine pills
[x]had a crush on someone you hardly knew
[x]been to California
[x]been skinny dipping
[x]regretted something
[x]peed on someones lawn
[x]skipped school
[ ]thrown up from drinking
[ ]lost your sibling
[ ]been butt nekked bangin on the bathroom floor
[ ]kissed a member of the same sex
[ ]had sex with a boy
[x]had sex with a girl
[x]been in a car accident
[ ]partied for days and days straight
[x]had a family member die
[x]played 'Clue'
[x]had a sleepover party
[x]went ice skating
[ ]dropped x
[ ]been cheated on
[x]had a boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ]had a threesome
[x]had a sweet sixteen
[x]had a car
[ .......who would?]had sex on a roof, with your friends unknowingly watching?

Do you?
[ ]have a bf
[x]have a gf
[ ]have a crush
[ ]have a dog
[x]have your own room
[ ]listen to rap
[ ]paint your nails
[x]play a sport
[x]play more than one sport
[x]watch sports on tv
[x]have a fav. group/singer/artist
[x]have more than 1 best friend
[x]get good grades
[x]play an instrument
[x]have slippers
[x]wear boxers (to sleep)
[ ]wear black eyeliner
[x]like the color blue
[ ]like the color yellow
[ ]cyber
[ ]like to read
[x]like to write
[ ]have long hair
[ ]have short hair
[x] have a laptop
[ ]have a pager

Are you?

[ ]bored
[ ]bilingual
[ ]black
[ ]Puerto Rican (half)
[ ]short
[ ]medium
[ ]sick
[ ]single
[ ]looking
[ ]not looking
[ ]talking to someone
[ ]IMing someone
[x]scared to die
[ ]on the phone
[x]in your room
[ ]drinking something
[ ]eating something
[x]in your pjs
[x]listening to music
[ ] homophobic

(who shot kurt cobain?)

Pure Volume [13 Dec 2004|06:00am]
[ mood | drained ]

hey everyone, Jessman here.

I've got some mayhem news for ya.  As you all know Matt has done an outstanding job with the Mayhem website.  He also is the soul creator of our MySpace site as well.  So finally, I have contributed to the online world of Mayhem.  3 days ago I set up a purevolume.com space for the band and as of last night it was finally aproved and good to go.  The link is as follows:




allllright.  and yes there is a CT at the end of it because there are a few other project mayhems out there - one from NY and one from MA.  its all good tho.  nothing like a little friendly competition.  but yeah, I will be updating this link as often as possible and it will definetly house our newest MP3s as soon as possible (my guess is a month tops).  Check it out, have a listen, and u can even download our tunes onto ur computer - just two clicks and bingo.  well im headed to bed.  Thanks for the support and we will see you soon as we will return to the stage oh so soon.  Christmas break will definetly have a show or two or three. 

Enjoy,    the J        Man

(who shot kurt cobain?)

[30 Nov 2004|11:44am]

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6 Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Holding a newborn baby
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24 Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
46. Spending time with your parents and realizing how beautiful and amazing they are.

47. Having sex with your girlfriend while she's on her period.

(7 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

rock my Zox [12 Nov 2004|04:52am]
[ mood | loved ]

Hey everyone.
tis me. Sorry bout the last update. It sucked, I dont know what I was thinking. There is so much for me to update about - I just don't hit this shit up often enough. When I do, I scroll back about 20 entries on my friends list, catch up on LJ life, comment on half of these, and then rarely end up updating my own. And then, to throw up a stupid "You know you're in CT" list with so many things that dont even pertain to any of us! damn. Sorry guys. in any case, One day I will update about the joy that is Westfield and the juicy details about my roommate Chris and the many others around my room on campus. The original six, if you will, is still together (Me, Chris, Josh, Nancy, Toni, and Evan). The group has expanded, and individuals have isolated themselves at times but all is still good in the hood. This entry I speak of will include in depth analysis of all of the aforementioned names as well as miniature blurbs about other good friends of ours such as Joe and R.A. Danny.

but for now..
I must update about tomorrow night! (well tonight technically)
Me and Matty are going to see Zox at Toad's Place! WOOHOO!
Zox is awesome. I've already seen em once thanks to Marty. Me and T (yes the infamous and oh so missed Tasuku Ito) followed Marty and his Girlfriend Rachel to see our first Zox show at Loomis Chaffee school last Spring. Man what a good time it was. I was amazed at their ability to captivate an audience, inspire so many people to dance, rock at their instruments, interact with the crowd, and put on such a great show for so many to see. I will be surprised and ashamed at the music industry if they do not someday make it big. Project Mayhem would be in its glory if we could someday open for them. For now, we just try to play the same places they've played lol. We played the Hawk's Nest at UHArt the other week, so thats a start. They rocked the shit out of that place. That's where Matt saw them for the first time. Tim should reallly go see them. He's the only one left. He would definetly appreciate their musicianship and song-writing ability. The violinist and bassist are simply incredible. Masters at their instruments for sure. The guitarist adds with solid vocals and great stage presence (which they all have) while the drummer adds a beat and the meaning behind their band name (his last name is the adorable three lettered word ZOX). Tim probably won't be able to make it due to his shift at the movie theater running late, but I have a feeling he will definetly come along to the Pearl Street show in December. Pearl Street and Toad's Place are two venues we have yet to play, and also have been meaning to play. So attending these shows will not only give us a great night of music but also a chance to set p future gigs for mayhem.

There was actually a chance that I was going to see Zox three times in a row this week. Appearantly Marty called me a couple days ago to see if I wanted to go with him and Rachel to the show at UConn Thursday night (tonight kind of). I didn't talk to him until yesterday, but we agreed that we'd try to make it. Turns out Rachels class doesnt get out til late and I had a basketball game at 5. I prolly still would have gone since they werent going on til 9 or 10 but not going was fine. It wouldn't have been the same without Task there though. Reasons for going (besides seeing Zox live which is awesome) would include checking out UConn - and whats it like to play there (mayhem should hit that shit up), and the possibility of meeting the band members, and giving them a demo. It's cool though because I have like three more chances to do that. Tomorrow night (tonight) with me and matty in New Haven (Toad's Place) and then the night after that I'm going to see them up in Albany with my beloved Sarah. So, if I had gone to the show tonight at UConn that woulda been three flippin nights in a row. Never have I seen a band twice in a row - let alone three times! but Zox is the shit - plus we've got the other reasons to be there.

But yeah, along with this show tomorrow night (2nite - its 6am right now) are gonna be two fucking AWESOME bands. NEither of which I've actually heard, but both of which I've heard and can expect only good things. The first band which is co-headlining with Zox is a band called Badfish. That's right folks, the almighty Sublime tribute band. What a genius idea. I would absolutely love to be in a sublime tribute band. And after them its a band by the name of Fistful of Steel. You guessed it - a fucking Rage Against the MAchine Tribute band!! Amazing. I cant wait to check out both of these bands live. It'll be soo much fun naming songs and singing along.

And then there's a fourth Zox show of which I will be attending (well 3rd since we didnt actually see them at UConn) on December 11th. They're coming to Pearl Street in North Hampton, Mass. Right in my backyard. Mayhem definetly plans on hitting up this place for future shows, so this will be a good opportunity as well. I hope I meet the members at like every show so they'll remember us and listen to the demo. Touring with them would be a dream come true.

But in the meantime..seeing them two nights in a row and then again in December (with Tim if hes free - which he better be cuz these guys are sick!) will be great. Saturday will be extra special because afterwords I will get to fall asleep next to my favorite girl in the whole world: Natalie Portman. Hah - just kidding. Sarah Elaine Valluzzi! I hope I spelt her middle name right. You're the greatest Sarah!

Ok, and now back to that paper I'm supposed to be writing.

goodnight everyone!
here's some links to compliment this entry and you're understanding of it...
and www.tubgirl.com

don't go to the last one. www.worldsex.com is much nicer, but still unappropriate. :) enjoy

(2 Courtney Loves | who shot kurt cobain?)

WL and CT [04 Nov 2004|02:48am]
heey. this list was alot longer but I narrowed it down to the ones that make some sense to me. mmm - supposed to be doing english paper. eh, as Nancy Pants would say "whatev". or Zach de la Rocha "none of the above, fuck it, pull the chord! (lights out! guerrilla radio! Turn that shit up!) or as the late Brad Nowell of Sublime would say, "Fuck it, fight it, its all the same (you live in louie dog's the only way to stay sane..let the lovin, let the lovin come back to me...Lovin - its what I got, I said remember that).

ok here it is.

You Know You're From Connecticut/WL When...

You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.

You never went to a bar in high school.

You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.

You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm

You actually thought that Hartford was big

You or someone you know has attended UCONN

You drive a JETTA

You still think that the Whalers are cool.

You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.

There is a farm within miles of your house

You thought bars were really for people over 21

Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. (yeah Wallingford)

You don't have an accent when you talk

You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.

UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different

You have deer in your backyard.

You didn't drink or do drugs until 10th grade.

You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state.....

Your best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College.

You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert.

You go to Riverside (Six Flags) at least once a summer

Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at Christmas in Hartford & Channel 3 news.

You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round

You think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump

You hang out at Denny's

You've partied at bonfires

You have at least one friend with a pickup

You think everyone works tobacco in the summer

You think Old Lyme is a shore town

You've been to Cape Cod

You think the Connecticut River is endless

The town diner is the only place open after midnight.

You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees

You root for all the New York sports teams

You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.

You go to the diner late night to post party.

You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen

You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg.

You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home

You have said... " I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and New York."

You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.

When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor / homeless person you see.

You get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.

You can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.

You still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station.)

You hold the door open for someone and they don't say "Thank You."

You own a golden or a lab (used to...)

You own real Oakley's

You only know Westbrook and Clinton because they have good outlets

You don't think you're a yuppie, but the rest of the country does

You only ski in Vermont or out West

Your mother is the head of the PTA

There is absolutely nothing to do in the winter

You live twenty minutes form either an Abercrombie & Fitch, J. Crew, or GAP.

You sail, or know someone who does.

You don't understand why everyone else has not been to Europe.

You can't get through the week with out a Coffee Coolata

Your family owns more cars than legal drivers

You feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter.

As a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons.

You grew up wanting to be a lifeguard

You own every DMB CD

The state is so small you know where all the speed traps are

You can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a "package" store

You went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome

People actually wear sweaters around their necks

You've never taken public transportation

You know of at least one person who's house was totally trashed after a huge party

Your mom drives a Volvo wagon

You have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's

You live in a huge colonial

You know at LEAST one person who has been pulled over and found to have weed in their car

The only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard

Your house would cost half as much in any other state

Your wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters

Half of your friends are from another town because yours is so small

At least one of your friends has a sick house right on the water

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Connecticut.

ok so i didnt edit out many at all. o well. Peace easy everyone, enjoy what you call sleep.

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